Today, I’m gonna be sharing some popular musings about love that I (in my own experience) believe to be white lies. Now, I will disclaim that no, I am no expert by any means, and no, I am not married. However, I have been in the greatest, happiest romantic relationship of my life for nearly 3 years now, and I get a surprising amount of questions from friends about my “philosophy” when it comes to love. You may not agree with my two cents, and that’s completely fine :) I’ll also be sharing some photos from a shoot Abner and I recently modeled for :) all the photos in this post are by Bailey Makaimoku. Check her site out here, and follow her on Instagram here!
When it comes to loving people in general, not only significant others, I try to hold everything up to the love of God. Does this align with what God’s word says about love and giving it to others? I’m fully aware that human love will always fall short. It’ll never ever be perfect like God’s love for us is, and we can never replicate it. But that doesn’t mean I can’t try :)
"Relationships should always be 50/50”
My friend Erika put it well… when you love someone, it isn’t 50/50. It’s 100/100. Yes and Amen. I’m not gonna lie though, 100/100 sounds exhausting to me. And I’ve found that on some odd days, it’s gonna be 70/30. Some days, you will be exhausted. Some days, they will be exhausted. And that’s okay. One “cliche” about love that I do agree with, is that it is u n c o n d i t i o n a l. When it’s good, It isn’t about exchange. *please note that there is a very distinct line between an ‘off day’ and being taken for granted/ advantage of.*
“The S P A R K”
Ahh, the infamous and fleeting “spark”. The butterflies you get when you see them. Never being able to get enough of one another. The ‘let’s lay out in the grass till 3am watching the stars because we don’t wanna say goodnight’ kinda feeling. I’ve both seen and experienced relationships end because that starry feeling you get in your stomach fizzled. You may be thinking that I sound totally square and cynical at this point... stay with me here. I definitely believe in “the spark” and I’m a romantic at heart, but I don’t believe that “the spark” is something that should be chased after, let alone expected in a lasting love.
I’m gonna get a little poetic and a little literal here- think about a spark. The word itself. In essence, it is something that is emitted when igniting a fire. Think about this a little more now… why chase a tiny piece of ash or electricity that disappears in a second when there is an entire fire happening right in front of you. Sure, the spark is exciting. It’s bright and fun and electric. But it won’t sustain you. It won’t keep you warm, it won’t roast your marshmallows, and it won’t light up your dark places. I love this quote by C.S. Lewis (it’s kinda long, but SO worth a read):
.…"In fact, whatever people say, the state called ‘being in love’ usually does now last. If the old fairytale ending ‘they lived happily ever after’ is taken to mean ‘they felt for the next 50 years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,’ then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even 5 years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, and your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to ‘be in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this 2nd sense- love as distinct from ‘being in love’- is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask, and receive from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.”
Long story short- in my opinion, love starts as a feeling, but when it lasts, it’s because it is a choice. Abner and I are still very much in love. I can’t get enough of that guy lolol. We’re that couple that almost never get tired of each other. However, we do have our moments when we don’t always “like” one another. But instead of feeling hopeless in the moment, we always keep in mind that we love each other, down to the core, and choose to continue to love and work through it.
“Intimacy = sex”
Bet ya didn’t see this one comin’. Nope, in my opinion, intimacy isn’t about sex at all. I believe that two people can be truly intimate without sex. Intimacy simply means close familiarity, or deep knowledge of something. Look it up, I promise. It’s something that grows over time- ya can’t know everything about someone just by having sex with them right?! Of course not. Intimacy is knowing your person deeply, and vice versa. Maybe it starts with the way they like their coffee. Then, their dreams and aspirations. Then maybe their insecurities. Their inner workings. Their vulnerabilities- their past, their love language, their quirks, even the stuff that’s hard to understand. Being fully known is the most vulnerable, intimidating and intimate thing there is.
I still have a lot to learn about love. A lot of times, I’m not very good at giving it, and I’m not always good at receiving it either. But, I always ask God to help me to love, and He has come through every single time. There’s no secret formula, but the closest thing to it that I know of is the Bible. Jesus. The only perfect love there is. Thank you for being here!
PS check out Baileys website and social media to see more from this shoot!