I’ve been thinking lately about flaws... of all kinds. No matter what, we all have them. We’re human. And humans are not perfect beings like dogs are. (Ha) There are always moments of weakness and no one is perfect. For the longest time I tried to hide mine like everyone does. Now, however, I have realized that I do NOT have to be ashamed. Because Jesus. He covers me and loves me and reminds me of it all the time.
We all have raw, immensely human parts of ourselves, and in this day and age, I feel like we are expected not to. We are expected to wear all the hats and to wear them well 100% of the time. We’re expected to be Superwoman or Superstudent or Superfriend or Worlds Best Cook or whatever. So today, I wanted to sort of share some of the most human parts of me. I hope it encourages you.
When I was in middle school, I was teased quite a bit. For being (wait for it) ugly and very dark skinned. Nope, nothing new for anyone. Bullying is sadly inevitable. As silly as it sounds, I really did carry that with me well after I passed through the awkward puberty stage and it used to be one of my biggest insecurities. Appearance is probably the number 1 insecurity among women, so I know I’m not alone here. But hey, it goes to show just how much words can affect people.
There was a period of my life in middle school when I saw a psychiatrist pretty regularly. I had developed anxiety which triggered obsessive compulsive disorder. I’m not talking about the OCD that neat freaks joke about, I’m talking real OCD. The best way I can describe it is that I felt like I had to do things a certain amount of times or a certain way in order to feel comfortable. If I didn’t, I felt an extreme wave of anxiety and discomfort. I even had a slight twitch for a little while. I heard what people would whisper about me, and I believed it. I felt like a freak. I wanted my doctor to just prescribe me something so I could stop and be normal. Instead, he worked with me and gave me meditations and exercises to do. And I don’t even remember how, but one day, I found that it basically stopped. I still have anxiety to this day, but it is basically manageable and I’d liken it to any person’s. For years, I never told anyone about that period of my life who hadn’t already lived it with me. (Love u Jeyci) But here I am, putting it on the internet. (Still shaking even thinking about posting this tbh)
I have a hard time sleeping in complete silence because my mind races like crazy. (Told you I still have a touch of anxiety) I always need some kind of noise, preferably a tv or something. Is this the healthiest thing ever? Probably not. But hey, we all work on different things at different times.
I struggle with comparison. Especially in the area of academics. I’m a little behind in my schooling and a lot of my classmates from high school are further ahead than I am. It took me a little while to figure out, but its okay. Everyone is on a different journey and there is absolutely nothing to compare. I’m working toward something and I’m working hard.
So there you have it. Some of my most human parts. Some of them aren’t terribly unique, but I kinda believe that there’s beauty in that. There’s beauty in knowing that you are 100% not alone in things that you struggle with, no matter how small they may seem. I recently saw a quote that says: “The gospel is this: we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.” Your brokenness is okay. Your humanity is okay. (Imma get real sappy real quick) Lets love one another, human parts included.